On Wednesday night, the most remarkable play in NBA history occurred.
— Rob Perez (@World_Wide_Wob) October 19, 2017
At one, precise, perfect moment following a Blazer turnover, all 5 Phoenix Suns planted their back foot and exploded into the open court like a herd of antelope smoothly escaping a hungry lion.
I have watched this video no fewer than 300 times today. This clip is an OCD orgasm. It legitimately looks like a video game. It appears as if actual human beings were not responding individually to the turnover on the floor, but rather as if the turnover flipped some sort of technological switch that ignited all five players at once into transition. It’s one thing to see this type of unison during a synchronized swimming routine in the Olympics. It’s a whole different animal to see it occurring unprompted and naturally in the world.
I realize that the headline of this piece would lead you to believe that there are actually things better on this earth than this 5 second clip. Unfortunately, I’ve realized that there actually is not. This is the best thing ever.
But, I have compiled a short list of things that are almost as satisfying as the Phoenix Suns (who, side-note, lost last night’s game by 48 points) launching into this fast-break.
1. Realizing that there is just enough milk left in the galloon to pour you the perfect portion for your bowl of cereal.
I hate making superfluous decisions in the morning. Beyond “what shirt should I wear” and “is it a contacts or glasses type of day” I prefer that my mornings remain static and unchanged. I simply don’t yet have the brainpower to successfully make decisions. So, when I pour my morning bowl of cereal, I don’t like when I have to think to myself, “Ok, is there enough milk today? Or am I going to waste this remaining milk on a way-too-large bowl of cereal, thus wasting both elements of the meal” or “Is this going to be too much milk because I really don’t want to leave just a splash of milk because then I know I’ll try to make do with not enough milk tomorrow and I’ll be equally frustrated” and then you attempt to fit all the milk into the bowl, thus finishing the gallon, but then the cereal cascades over the rim and dribbles onto the floor. Then you slowly turn and disgustedly grab the paper towels to clean up the milk puddle left on the kitchen floor or countertop.
But then, there’s the perfect day where the milk gallon is nearing its demise, but you do think you can get one last bowl out of it and as you’re pouring it on top of your already poured bowl of Cocoa Krispies, you notice that you’re going to finish the gallon of milk at just the perfectly exact time.
^ That moment is almost as satisfying as the Phoenix Suns hurling into transition.
2. Unknowingly, but luckily deciding to watch TV just a couple minutes before the top of the hour.
This moment of satisfaction might be a tad outdated given the advent of Netflix and DVR and Hulu and all that jazz. But remember growing up when you wanted to snag an episode of That 70’s Show in the afternoon, so you’d turn on the TV to see if it’s on and YES! It is! But then you realize that it’s the last episode of the time frame and it’s already 2:44 in the afternoon, leaving you really only half an episode. Remember that empty feeling inside of you? You then wondered if it was even worth catching that last 18 minutes because all it would do is just get you riled up for the nonexistent next episode.
But then, there were some days where you’d turn the TV on a whim and realize that YES! That 70’s Show is on! And oh my god! It’s 2:58 and another episode is just about to start at 3:00! You’d buckle in on the couch or pee or grab a bag of chips before three o’clock rolled around and then you’d catch an episode in its entirety.
^ That moment of looking at the clock and realizing that it’s 2:58 is almost more satisfying that the Suns momentarily operating as a marionette.
3. Having to be up for class at 9:15 a.m. and waking up in the morning when it’s light out and worrying that you set your alarm for the wrong time, but then looking at your phone and realizing that it’s 7:12 a.m.
This is a great one. First, you’re filled with an unparalleled panic as you’re worried it’s 11am and you’ve slept through literally everything. Then once you come to peace with that and briefly roll over to check your phone, you see that your alarm isn’t even set to sound for another two hours.
You then double check your alarm to make sure it is set properly. After, you begin the second portion of your slumber which is undoubtedly the superior portion.
^ That moment of your phone flashing the time 7:12 a.m. is almost more satisfying than someone using a remote from Click to control all 5 Phoenix Suns at once.
4. Getting new windshield wipers
This is probably less of a universally relatable scenario, but if any of you have ever replaced the windshield wipers on your car, let me tell you – it is groundbreaking.
First of all, there’s nothing more frustrating than ineffective wipers. Like, it starts raining, and you’re aware that driving in the rain is inherently more unsafe than driving in no rain, so you flip them on, assuming that they’ll provide some sort of relief. And then BAM not only does it not make it any better, but it actually spreads around and smudges the droplets all over the windshield which just further impairs your sightline. Then you have to blast the defroster and stick your head out the window just to make sure you don’t kill anyone on the road.
But then, one day, you replace your wipers and get all new blades. That first time it rains, all the water seamlessly is brushed off your windshield like Gatorade from a porcelain countertop.
^ That first time you flip on those new and improved wipers is almost as satisfying as the Phoenix Suns simultaneously running over Mario Kart speed boosters.
5. A Carson Wentz deep ball completion
6. Receiving an email that your class has been cancelled
This one is unbelievable. The subject always reads something like “Today’s Class” and your immediate thought is that your professor is emailing you a supplement to your homework assignment and you’re all like “oh great I have more shit to do this is just tremendous” but then you open up the email and it says something like “there is no class today because I am sick and at home” or “there is no class today because something popped up and I cannot make it” or literally anything that reads “there is no class today, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.”
This one is a pure roller coaster of emotion because first, you’re bracing for an influx of even more work and responsibility, but then suddenly, all work and responsibility has vanished from your plate entirely and you’re suddenly free to take a nap or go grocery shopping or watch that video of the Phoenix Suns.
That moment where you pop open the email and read “There will be no class today …………. ” is almost as satisfying as the Phoenix Suns suddenly shifting into a synchronized ballet team.