The Real Picks For This Weekend

I know we all love Mark Scarlett’s stone cold locks for each football weekend. I know he’s 4-1 so far (3-1 last week – Houston’s win last night pushed him to 4-1) and I know you’re likely happy to be making money following his guidelines. Maybe you consider his column more valuable than the one with which I’m about to provide you. Would that be stupid? Yes. Because what’s below is far more important. Here are my locks for this weekend.

Jay Cutler will get injured. 

You never really want to ill-wish anyone, let alone a professional football player, considering they’re under far more inherent physical duress than the average working American. But! Playing football is super hard and for a large part of the offseason, Cutler was anticipating being in the booth calling his former colleagues game from high above. Then, BOOM! Tannehill goes down and Cutler signs with Miami. He’s admitted he’s out of shape, and although I’ve been on the Jay Cutler bandwagon for longer than most anyone would ever care to divulge, even I can say here that this isn’t going to end well for sweet (smokin’) Jay.

The Dolphins week 1 matchup against Tampa Bay was put on hold until November to accommodate Irma’s destruction, so we’ve yet to see their offensive line in action. But, if there’s one umbrella takeaway from league play in week 1, it was that across the board, offensive line play stunk. With the exception of Dallas’ Great Wall of China, O-line play is a league-wide abomination and there’s little reason to believe that Miami’s unit can withstand Joey Bosa and company. While Jay traditionally has excelled at avoiding pressure and extending plays, I can’t expect someone who retired for 3 or 4 months to be able to step back into the fire and not somehow end up in concussion protocol.

Expect Jay Cutler to find the NFL’s version of the drunk tank at some point on the Dolphins sideline this Sunday.

The Saints will turn out to be who we thought they were. 

Guarantees in the NFL are few and far between. Andy Reid misusing a timeout, Dan Bailey making a 40 yard field goal, and the Saints secondary providing no more coverage than a Dan Uggla jersey.

On Monday, Sammy Sleeves torched the Saints defense with Stefon Diggs and Adam Theilen. If you’re keeping track at home, they are not Jordy Nelson and Julio Jones. Tom Brady is still good and considering slipping to 0-2 isn’t an option for New England, expect the Patriots to come out strong and fast on Sunday and mercilessly torch New Orleans’ sorry excuse for a secondary.

It’s one of those things that you would think they would fix. It’s like if my job were contingent on having a clean button down shirt, I would go out and buy myself several nice button down shirts. That way, every day I would look presentable. What the Saints do every offseason is refuse to go out and buy themselves a nice button down shirt. They just keep showing up in polo shirts or t-shirts and they just brush off their bosses dress code demands and do it their way. It’s certainly an interesting strategy to try to survive in the NFL without any reasonably ok defensive backs, and considering it hasn’t worked for New Orleans since Malcolm Jenkins shipped north, you’d think they’d look to make a change and buy a button down shirt. But, no. Same old Saints.

Todd Bowles will get fired by Tuesday. 

It’s not necessarily normal for an NFL head coach to get fired only two weeks into a particular season, but after Oakland beats the Jets 52-0 on Sunday and Todd Bowles is seen sprinting into the stands and out of the stadium in the middle of the 3rd quarter to run away from this atrocity he helped bring on, the Jets front office will have no choice other than to look elsewhere for someone to patrol the sidelines.

The general public will start to lean toward Goff over Wentz.

Jared Goff looked good in week one. So did Wentz. But, in week 2, Wentz travels to Arrowhead to face a stingy Chiefs D, albeit without Eric Berry (*tear*). Goff, on the other hand, stays home and faces the Redskin D that Wentz shredded last week. Kansas City will beat up Wentz and Goff will go for 260 and 2 touchdowns while avoiding any critical mistakes. The Rams will be 2-0, whilst the Eagles will fall back to 1-1 and behind Dallas in the NFC East.

Surely, one week isn’t nearly enough to deem one better than the other, and it certainly isn’t enough to overhaul everything Wentz did last year, but, as we know, the sports media tends to take things to the unnecessary extreme. Because Goff and Wentz were taken 1/2 in last year’s draft, they’re automatically comparable, at least this early into their careers.

So far, the general nationwide narrative is that Wentz has been and will be better than Goff. But, this week that storyline will start to shift and you’ll see experts pointing out Wentz’s mechanical issues while lauding Goff’s second year leap. This will all happen very quickly and irrationally and it will surely make a large portion of the population angry, but that’s sort of the mantra of the NFL media.

OBJ will throw his hat in the ring for league MVP while sidelined.

If Beckham is a no-go again Monday night, the Lions will stampede the Giants on Monday night. Their offense is frankly incompetent without their star wideout.

Today, my friend turned the light switch for our lamp, but the lamp did not turn on. He furiously flipped the line on and off multiple times trying to figure out why the light wasn’t turning on. He quickly got exasperated and eventually concluded that in order for the lamp to work, he was going to have to make a Home Depot trip and get a new lightbulb.

Eli is my friend. The Giants offense is that lamp. OBJ is the new lightbulb. There’s no two ways around this.

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