In the NBA, we have a lot of stupid names. The Jazz don’t really work because that name is from the team’s time in New Orleans. The Hawks name came from the team’s ancient time in Chicago where they were the Blackhawks, much like the NHL squad. Those don’t really work, but they aren’t the ones that really bother me.
Those names obviously make no sense, but that doesn’t mean they need to be changed. The Jazz don’t need to switch it up despite the fact that Utah doesn’t strike me as a very “Jazzy” place, like the Big Easy does. The Hawks name doesn’t make sense to keep either, but they have the Falcons in Atlanta too, so I’ll let them have their bird thing.
The names that really bother me are the names that not only suck, but are awkward or disrespectful. Maybe they don’t flow, or maybe they just are too blah. Without further ado, here are the teams that need to switch it up.
First up, we have the Memphis Grizzlies. The Grizzlies get their roots from their start in Vancouver, where grizzly bears run rampant. Last time I checked, Memphis is not home to many grizzly bears. In fact, after some research, the only bear that wanders the Tennessee woods is the black bear, not nearly as badass as the ferocious grizzly bear.
The reason the Grizzlies name really needs to be changed is because of the lack of historical value with the Grizzlies. The Lakers don’t really make sense, but nobody gives a shit, because Kareem, Magic, Kwame, Kobe, and on and on. I don’t think of the Grizzlies and think, “Wow, what history with Rudy Gay and OJ Mayo!” There’s a pressing need for change in Memphis.
The names I’d like to suggest would be the “Memphis Turtles.” Now I know that’s not very intimidating, but a turtle could make for very interesting logo and jersey designs with the color schemes. You may also be asking, “Why the Turtles?”
To which I would respond, “Because Tennessee is viewed as the turtle capital of the world, you sandwich! They have many diverse species of turtle wandering their lovely lakes, duh.”
Next up to change is the Sacramento Kings. The Kings were originally the “Royals”, which throughout the course of many years just became the “Kings.”
CAUTION: IF YOU ARE A KINGS FAN, STOP READING
The Kings suck. A lot. They are just disrespectful to the word “king.” They are a dumpster fire of an organization that makes the Knicks look like the Spurs. Maybe that’s extreme, but honestly, the Kings just can’t have this title any longer. They seem to only make poor moves just to show people that right when you think it can’t get any worse, it can actually get worlds worse.
So, I have two suggestions for the NBA team in Sacramento. The first is the “Sacramento Mustangs” because the Pony Express started in Sacramento. Mustangs are also cool. So be thankful Sac-town, you get a cool name. I considered Stallions, but that is still disrespectful to a stallion.
The second suggestion is the “Sacramento (Insert something about Swiss cheese here).” This is because in Sacramento, there is a climbable hunk of Swiss Cheese. Why? No fucking clue, but it’s good to know that if ever I long to climb a big hunk of cheese, I can fly to Sacramento and go crazy.
The last team on my list is the New Orleans Pelicans. Look, I know they just went through a change to become the Pelicans, but it sucks. It’s awkward and sounds weird. It makes sense because the pelican is the state bird of Louisiana, but it’s just not a good fit.
I think the “New Orleans Gators” would be much better than the Pelicans. It makes sense, it flows, and it’s pretty cool. It gives New Orleans something to work with. It also gives them something other than their current situation which is just cruel to the children. Do it for the kids.
Honorable Mention: Brooklyn Nets. You’re in Brooklyn, do something more creative than the Nets. It’s a part of the basket. That’s boring.