Humans didn’t deserve this weekend

By: PJ Guippone

Every once in awhile, something comes around that makes you think, “What did I do to deserve this?” Every time you see a puppy or eat an ice cream cone on a summer day, this is the thought you should have. Whenever you see a baby panda rolling down a hill while scrolling your Twitter feed, the thought should be “wow, Twitter is a beautiful place, thank god we have that.” This weekend, every single human on the planet should be wondering this.

From every facet of life that means anything, there was unparalleled beauty. Friday, I woke up similarly as hungover as most Fridays. I thought, god damn today is going to suck. Instead, I opened my phone and remembered, DAMN. comes out today! Finally, after a couple weeks of cryptic messages and tracks where he flexed like the Undertaker, Kendrick Lamar dropped his third major album. I’m not going to get into a whole review of this album, but I will disclose that I listened to it 6 times in a row and 12 times on Friday. I listened to it in class, I listened in my room, I listened walking around campus. Every time the best rapper of our generation (maybe all time) drops a new album, it’s like “how will it be better,” and every time it is.

On the same day, John Mayer dropped The Search for Everything, which, in classic Mayer fashion, is different from anything else he has ever released. It was slower and more thoughtful as an entire album than anything previously, but also has tracks like “Moving on and Getting Over” that is just beautifully artistic and musical. So for starters in the weekend, the two best artists of our generation dropped an album on the SAME DAY. If only one of them made something it would have made it the best day ever, but they both did. Personally, I closed the day with a viewing of My Cousin Vinny, a movie in which Marisa Tomei is an absolute babe. Needless to say, I had to change my pants many times throughout the day. It was overwhelming for me.

And that was just Friday. Saturday, sports (specifically basketball) reminded us how fucking awesome they are. The NBA Playoffs started with a game against the Cavs and the Pacers, that for some reason no one gave a shit about. I guess everyone in basketball forgot about Playoff Paul George. He’s like Paul George, the hoop stud that for some reason is severely underrated, but, like, a billion times better. We kinda forget that the Pacers are pretty good, too. Tim Hardaway can hoop, Myles Turner would be talked about much more as a promising young big man if there wasn’t a glut of promising young big men. Jeff Teague is an above-average point guard. The Pacers reminded us of all this, bringing the Cavs to the brink in a game they probably should have won. CJ Miles had a really good look. When it missed I became sad.

This game wasn’t a tease, either. The basketball gods didn’t pull the really-awesome-game rug out from under us, but they let us hang out on it. The awesome games kept coming throughout the weekend. On Friday, Giannis reminded us he is inhuman, and the Spurs let us know that they are still amazing even though no one wants to talk about them other than Michelle Beadle and Shea Serrano. Then we got the day’s conclusion with the Gobert-less Jazz against the Los Angeles Chris Pauls. Games like this are why the internet is just a beautiful place. The Clippers losing is incredible for so many reasons, but the best is the tweets that ensue referring to their perennial choking. Wow the Clippers suck.

Sunday kept up the trend, too. We were reminded athletes were human when Isaiah cried during the Celtics’ moving moment of silence and the Garden’s eruption during their superstar’s introduction. I don’t care that the Celtics lost (silent sob), Isaiah’s performance is now the best performance from an Isaiah with an affliction ever (sorry, misery tops a sprained ankle). Also, John Wall played so well it forced me to buy his jersey while I was watching the game, James Harden is a fucking killer, the Trail Blazers literally can not win even with the best backcourt in the NBA, and Draymond Green also is not a human being (but still fuck him). The last thought for Sunday’s games, I know I am delusional with the Thunder and have been all year, but they are nowhere close to how bad they played last night. That series will not be that much of a blowout.

If you like hockey, the hockey games were really fantastic, too. I don’t really even watch hockey, but any playoffs are worth watching. Some dude’s face exploded yesterday, and he played through it! Hockey is cool, I really wish it wasn’t during basketball season.

So basically what I’m trying to tell you is gear up for a lot of really shitty shit in the next couple weeks because we got more awesome stuff this weekend than humans really ever deserve. It’s already kinda started with that guy killing people on Facebook live. If it ever gets too rough, and you feel sad, just remember how fucking rad this weekend was.

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