Here’s how the Cavs DON’T win the East

By: Jack Henkels

So here are the only ways Cleveland DOESN’T win the Eastern Conference:

  1. Kyrie Irving, once again, shatters a kneecap crossing over Monta Ellis in the first round and can’t walk until August.
  2. Kevin Love decides to go on a “Supersize Me” binge amidst the Cavs playoff run. It starts today, and Love eats nothing but McDonald’s for an entire month. By May 13th, Love’s arteries are clogged and his usual title of “stretch 4” only applies to his waistband.
  3. Tristan Thompson retires. He decides he’s really passionate about avocados and chooses to enroll at Texas A&M where he’ll chase a degree in farming.
  4. Ty Lue disappears.

4a. Cavaliers GM David Griffin opts to replace Lue with former Cleveland Browns QB Johnny Manziel.

4b. Manziel goes all Mike Rice on the Cavaliers, and while forcibly launching basketballs at his players during practice, he re-injures JR Smith’s wrist.

5. A meteor strikes the city of Cleveland, thus rendering their home arena unplayable, resulting in every 2017 postseason game being played on the road.

6. Michael Jordan finds a time machine, turns back into his early-90’s self, and signs with the Boston Celtics.

7. Kelly Olynyk was actually just early-2000’s Steve Nash in disguise the entire time.

8. Adam Silver passes a new provision that if your team has a player who is over 30 years old with the initials DW, that player must play all 48 minutes. Get ready for a heavy dose of Deron Williams. (This also means that Dwyane Wade will have to muster up complete games for Chicago, while Durant’s minutes will be limited in lieu of David West’s).

9. Amidst the meteor strike, the entire state of Ohio collapses, leaving a massive sinkhole between Pennsylvania and Indiana.

10. Isaiah Thomas grows an entire foot.

11. Iman Shumpert opts to re-grow the flat top, but gets carried away. It grows so high that it throws off his balance, to the point where Shumpert can barely stand upright.

12. Adam Silver signs an executive order allowing Anthony Bennett to sign with Boston. He leads Boston to the Finals in a series that we eventually refer to as the “Anthony Bennett Revenge Extravaganza.”

13. Richard Jefferson and Channing Frye both retire immediately due to an opening at a top retirement home in Florida.


  1. LeBron gets injured and misses significant time.


I’m not here to tell you which of those scenarios is more likely. One includes a series of 15 intricate, specific steps – some unbeknownst to American history. The other includes LeBron, the superhuman robot, getting injured.

Although the Cavs are sub-.500 since the All-Star Break, I’ve thought about this long and hard, and I do think those are the only two ways Cleveland DOESN’T win the East.

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