Do I love golf? No.
Do I even like golf? Eh, soft yes? I guess? Probably a no, honestly.
Do I watch The Masters? Yes, because I am an American.
The Masters really just harken back to the days of my Wii Golf prime. I was a fiend. My skills have fallen off a bit in recent years, but every April when the Masters rolls around (especially Sunday), I’m launched back into a nostalgic utopia, fondly recalling my Wii Golf upbringing.
In light of this afternoon, I’m here to rank the 9-holes in Wii Golf. To be honest, I’m not totally sure what I’m basing these rankings off of, but I’m going to do my best and rank them from “worst” hole to “best” hole, whatever those adjectives may mean.
#9 – Par-4 1st hole
This hole is like if a golfing hole had training wheels. No water, little sand trap presence, and just a straight shot to the pin. As long as you miss the fairway bunker on the left (which is nearly impossible to hit, even for a blind guy), you’re pretty much in the clear.
This hole is the worst because it’s just boring. For a good golfer, anything more than 3 strokes is a failure. There’s no reason a competent wii golfer should bogey, or even par, this hole. Just drive it sort of straight, put it on a rather flat green, and putt that shit in.
It’s like the 2017 Detroit Pistons of golf holes. Boring, unmemorable, but there’s really nothing awful about it. That just goes to show – there’s not a bad hole on the Wii golf course.
#8 – Par-4 7th hole
This hole is, I think, the most challenging on the course. It starts with a rather long fairway, which end can only be met by the strongest of all drives. Then, it dog-legs right where the green lies after a bevy of bunkers.
It’s shaped like a backwards 7. The best way to ensure success on this hole is to blast your driver to the top of the fairway and then you have a shot devoid of trees toward the green. Unfortunately, wind sometimes prohibits your ability to reach the end of the fairway, and can even throw your shot into a fairway bunker (an utter disaster). If you land your ball on the middle of the fairway, you face barrage of trees between you and the pin.
There, I like to drive it right between the trunks and keep the ball low. This requires a little bit of luck, obviously. Just hope you don’t hit a trunk. If you can avoid a trunk, though, you should be able to run your ball right up on the green and near the pin.
This hole can play really, really tough and under certain wind conditions, it can be nearly impossible to birdie, which puts your scorecard at a major risk. That’s why this hole ranks low on this list – it can just throw a huge wrench into a well-played round of Wii Golf, and there’s nothing you can do about it.
#7 – Par-3 4th hole
I’m generally a fan of par threes, but this one is, in my experience, the most challenging of the three par threes on the course.
Under certain wind conditions, it can prove difficult to stick the ball on the green, and even with no wind, it can be tough to tell just exactly where to land your ball to ensure that your ball doesn’t bound off the island and into the abyss.
A forest of trees separates the tee box from the pin, and other than a few green-side bunkers, there’s really not much more to this hole. It’s all about the tee shot. I’ve found this green to be particularly challenging, although I must say putting is not the strong suit of my game.
I’m always amazed at how quickly my Mii manages to get from the tee box to the green. I hit my shot, and then I think I have to like walk through a forest of oak and pine trees. Maybe there’s a pathway, but when they introduce the hole, I don’t see one. Unless my Mii is equipped with a private jet, it’s truly amazing that it manages to get from tee box to green in seemingly a matter of seconds. Imagine if my Mii got eaten by a bear in the forest. It seems unlikely, but who knows what’s in those woods. It’s labeled “out of bounds,” so even if you hit it there, you never really know where your ball ends up. That’s mysterious. I wouldn’t be shocked to find out theres a cyclops in those woods.
#6 – Par-4 6th hole
This hole, I believe, is the most aesthetically pleasing on the course. A river runs right through the middle, forcing you to play over it onto the fairway, and then back over it again to reach the green. Unless there’s a storm of wind in your direction, it’s impossible to bypass this middle fairway. It’s important that when you hit this middle fairway, you put it on the right side so your ensuing shot is a bit more manageable. You don’t want to have to crush your iron just to reach the pin. It’s a par-4, and shooting out of a green-side bunker on your third shot isn’t necessarily ideal.
I must say, the second shot on this hole is one of my favorites in the game. It’s crucial – birdying this hole is essential in receiving a good score – and you have to read the green and land it just over the nearside bunker to ensure it sticks. It’s a tricky shot, but regardless of the wind situation, it’s manageable, and it’s a true sign of a strong Wii golfer if he sticks this shot near the pin consistently. You can learn a lot about your friends Wii golf skills just by watching them shoot the second shot on this hole.
#5 – Par-5 3rd hole
This hole is quite unique. Usually, barring rare wind circumstances, you can bypass the fairway and hit an island in the middle of the forest that splits the distance between the tee box and the pin. It requires a certain amount of swing discipline to nail this island, but an adequate Wii golfer should be hitting it rather consistently. If not, it throws a wrench into your round, so make sure you’re confident in your driver.
After you’ve nailed the island, it’ll appear as if the pin is three dots from your location – beware of this faulty estimate. The dots refuse to account for the downhill angle of the shot, thus skewing the swing scale. It’s best to hit this second shot at under three dots, or even two and a half. Try to land it just beyond the green side bunker – there’s a little hill, and if you hit it, the ball will bound right onto the green. If you miss the hill and the ball caroms off into the nearby rough or even lands in the bunker, fear not. You’re then chipping onto the green for eagle and you’re in a damn good spot for a birdie. If you happen to hit the green, great. You’ve then got an eagle putt.
If you hit the island, which is almost always possible, you’re in a great position to finish this hole under par. I love this hole because it makes absolutely no sense. Imagine in real life at like, Augusta, if one a par-5 there was just an island in the middle of the forest that players could shoot for. How drunk was this course architect?
“Hey guys, on the third hole, I’m just going to put an island in the middle of the forest if that’s cool with you”
“Roger, why would you do that?” (The golf course designer’s name is Roger)
“I’m not sure, Jim. Just want to throw an island here.”
The randomness is commendable – it adds a little wrinkle to avoid the monotony that is the game of golf. For that, this hole scores quite well.
#4 – Par-5 Fifth Hole
This hole can be a bastard. Usually with the wind, you can shoot a gap off the tee and cut the fairway in half. This requires a fair amount of luck that your ball doesn’t hit a tree trunk and bound into the water, but usually, you should be able to just swing wildly and get that ball up on at least the rough and cut the fairway in half. I recommend always trying to do this (unless you literally have 30 mph winds coming at your face) rather than following the designed path of the fairway.
The second shot then, is crucial. If you’re lucky, your ball squeaked through the trees and is sitting pretty on the fairway. If not, you have to hope your ball just isn’t right behind a tree trunk. You should be able to drive it and keep it low and run it right up through the front-side bunker and onto the green.
One true sign of a Wii Golf savant is his or her ability to hit this green in two shots. If you’re putting for eagle on this hole consistently, you’re a damn good Wii golfer. The green is really easy to navigate – the hard part is getting there in two shots. Either way, you should not be parring or bogeying this hole. It’s a must-birdie. Just remember to cut the fairway in half, get a little lucky, and use that driver to run the ball right up on the green.
I love this hole because it encourages creativity. Shooting through the trees and taking that risk is always ballsy – but if you don’t, it’s nearly impossible to eagle. An eagle here really can make your scorecard and give you buffer room on later, more challenging holes. A high risk, high reward hole. That’s a fun proposition.
#3 – Par-5 9th hole
Remember when I was talking about the 4th hole and bemoaning the travel issues through the massive forest? Well this hole takes “travel issues” to a whole new level. It’s literally just an archipelago of fairways. You start on one, have to hit an isolated island surrounded by perilous water, and then hopefully, if you hit your tee shot right, shoot for the island with the pin.
What they don’t show you on the hole layout is the runway on each island required to land your plane that you use to fly from island to island. That’s literally the only way to get from fairway to fairway.
Well, no. I guess if you’re really into cliff jumping, swimming, and rock climbing, you could just shoot your tee shot, jump, swim, and climb up the rocks to your ball. But, how would your caddy navigate those waters with your bag? While that task seems far-fetched for just about any human, imagine doing it with a golf bag?? That’s nearly impossible. I’m fairly certain a miniature plane is necessary to leap from island to island.
As the final hole on this course, I think it’s supposed to be the most challenging. It is hard – mistakes are costly not because they’ll just land you in a bunker, but because they’ll launch your ball into the rocky waters below. Not only is this considered out-of-bounds, but because the drop puts you in the rough on an island, making it impossible to shoot for another island. You must chip onto the fairway and then take your shot at another island. So, essentially, missing the mark is a three stroke penalty – that’s something from which your scorecard cannot recover.
It’s a dangerous hole – don’t try to steal strokes. Through the first 8, your scorecard is set. It’s important not to let this ninth hole screw it up. So, play it safe, demonstrate discipline, and hit those damn island fairways.
It’s a HUGE risk hole. Really gets the adrenaline going. And honestly, if you’re not playing Wii Golf for the adrenaline rush, I have no idea why you’re playing in the first place.
#2 – Par-3 8th hole
Any par-3 where a driver is required is an absolute bitch. There’s a tee box, a serpentine fairway, and then a green. Obviously, its a par-3, so you’re largely trying to avoid that fairway entirely and just stick it on the green from the tee, but you can’t help but notice how rocky and windy the fairway really is. It’s like God got really drunk while creating Earth and just made this stretch of land a perilous strip of rocks and grass. (And then Roger decided to turn that strip of land into a golf course). It’s totally unnecessary because never are you trying to land your ball on this strip, but it’s funny that the creators went to such length to make this fairway in the strangest way possible. Totally unnecessary.
But, every once in a while I respect a certain level of “unnecessary.” “Unnecessary” is what keeps things interesting. Golf, generally, is boring. Would a player taking his shirt off and celebrating like a hammered teenager on spring break after every made putt be unnecessary? Yes. But would it be damn good entertainment? Also yes. When I got fries with my lunch today, those were certainly unnecessary. Did I personally benefit from those fries though? Yes. They were damningly delicious.
Point is, I love a little unnecessary wrinkle. The 8th fairway it totally stupid and extra – but that’s jut exactly why this hole ranks so highly.
#1 – Par-3 2nd hole
The grand daddy of them all. It’s the Rose Bowl of Wii Golf holes. This is where legends are made.
You’ve just slept-walked through the forgetful first hole, and you feast your eyes on the sight of a makable par-3. You get out your iron, gauge the wind, and try to stick your ball right near the pin.
I’m not saying I’m God or anything, but I’ve been known to hole-in-one this shit a couple times in my life (I can sign autographs later). When you achieve an ace in Wii Golf, it’s as if nothing else in life really matters. Whenever I’m down in the dumps with school or work or life, I pop in the trust Wii Sports (2006) just so I can get a shot at this second hole. The rush of the music when they introduce the hole. The anticipation as I wait to see the wind strength and direction. The pace of my practice swings. The tinkering with my directional arrow. The deep breaths before pressing the A-button and giving that tee shot a go. These are all things that, honestly, I live for. It’s a panacea for all of life’s qualms.
It’s a healthy stress relief mechanism – just go play Wii Golf and let that second hole tee shot take you to a level of euphoria you never thought possible. That’s why we do it. For the love of the game. For the love of Wii Sports (2006). For all the Miis out there whose creators never gave them a chance to golf those fateful 9 holes.
Essentially, the second hole tee shot is everything I love about Wii Sports (2006) packed into one, amazing moment. And that’s why it’s my favorite hole.