LaVar vs. Jordan: The one-on-one game that never was

The stage is set. LaVar is head-to-toe in Washington State gear, while His Airness is rocking Chicago Bulls gear. “Shoot for it,” says the GOAT. LaVar confidently dribbles once and steps into a three. The bank is open. LaVar’s ball first.

We know the shit talk. LaVar claims he’s never lost one-on-one. He claims he’s “too big” for MJ. But, we don’t know how the game would actually go in their prime. Luckily, I’ll be hopping in my time machine to see exactly how the one-on-one battle would go.

The rules are simple. Ones and twos. Offense calls fouls. Play to 11. Here we go.

LaVar checks it up. He jabs right. Jabs again. Throws up a pump fake. An eager and competitive Jordan flies to swat his shot into the other basket. LaVar knows this is his opportunity to score. He takes it in for an easy layup. He rises and releases it for the early lead. Not so fast. MJ has had time to land, recover, and soar through the air to send that layup back in LaVar’s face. He does just that. The ball is sent right back into LaVar. Unfortunately for Jordan, the ball bounces high off LaVar’s cranium, ricochets softly off the backboard, and drops perfectly into the basket. 1-0 LaVar.

“That’s how you get a bucket,” says a teary-eyed Ball trying to recover from a spiked basketball to the nose.

LaVar wipes his tears and checks it up. With a somehow boosted ego, he takes one dribble right, spins left and goes up for the turnaround J. As he rises up to shoot, he realizes that he doesn’t have the ball and Jordan has stripped him and is now hanging on the rim after a thunderous windmill dunk. 1-1.

His Airness has the ball at the top of the key. He doesn’t play any games with LaVar. He pretends LaVar is Bryon Russell, takes one dribble to the left, stops on a dime, pulls back (with a little push off) and drills a pull up trey. 3-1 MJ.

Ball is bitching about the push off as he gets up from the ground. Jordan laughs at him as he checks it up. LaVar is mad, so he is up in MJ’s face and getting physical with the GOAT. Naturally, this goes very poorly for LaVar as Jordan simply looks left, but goes right as LaVar flies the opposite direction. Jordan throws down a 360 dunk. 4-1.

Things don’t seem to be getting any better for LaVar. He decides he’ll try to get in Jordan’s head and dare Jordan to shoot. Michael laughs and fires a three off. It’s nothing but net as the GOAT extends his lead. 6-1.

LaVar is getting pissed with his undefeated record in jeopardy. He figures it’s time to get chippy. Jordan is sizing Ball up, dribbling around the 3 point arc. LaVar sees his chance. He lunges for a steal. Jordan is thrown off by this and LaVar actually knocks it loose! The two dive on the ground for the ball. LaVar starts to flail around in the scuffle for the ball and actually kicks the ball 25 feet into the air! The two watch on the ground as the ball flies through the air and takes one bounce in the middle of the paint before landing perfectly in the basket. 6-3.

Somehow LaVar thinks that his 3 points were due to his skill on the court, so the chirping at Jordan continues. The ball is checked up and LaVar immediately takes one dribble left then steps back, trying to do his best Lonzo (who isn’t born yet) impression. The shot flies through the air toward the basket, but unfortunately misses the backboard as a whole. Wide right.

“Slipped. Man, stop sweating on the ball,” says LaVar.

Jordan is tired of LaVar’s talk, so he stops playing games for a bit. He baffles LaVar with his handle to get to the bucket for 3 easy baskets. 9-3 MJ.

The GOAT wants to go out in fashion though. Why keep embarrassing the loud-mouthed Ball? Why not show off a little?

“I’m taking one dribble then I’m closing my eyes and pulling up.”

“Lonzo is going to be better than you,” responds Ball.

MJ, confused by who this “Lonzo” person is, shrugs and dribbles once, before pulling up with his eyes closed and draining a jumper in LaVar’s face. 10-3 MJ. Game point.

With the game on the line, LaVar is all but finished. MJ jabs right, shaking LaVar. Jordan, now with some space, takes one dribble then tosses the ball off the backboard. He flies through the air, spinning, and finishes the emphatic dunk to end LaVar. As Jordan hangs on the rim in victory, LaVar, enraged with his first career one-on-one loss (allegedly), sprints toward the dangling Jordan. LaVar takes out MJ, in terrific football fashion, sending Michael to the ground. As Jordan lies on the ground in pain, LaVar heads for the exit, mumbling about how much of a bitch Jordan is and how the game was bullshit.

The moral of the story: Don’t mess with LaVar Ball.

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