Let us the thank the ancient Roman god Mars for his part in the creation of the greatest month known to man, March. Back when Rome ran the world, March was the first month of their year. Thus, they insisted that all warfare be put on hold for the entirety of the month. All that death is a little bit of a downer. Our man Mars even agreed to relax on the whole stabbing people thing just for the month. Sadness does not exist in March. To quote Mars himself, “There ought not to be sadness nor tears during the tremendous days of March.” Though no one gives a shit about Mars anymore, he (or she?) set a precedent of everlasting happiness during this great month.
Why is March is so great? Let’s start with the obvious. International Women’s Day is a 24 hour period to make sure we thank our mothers for going through the excruciating process of childbirth. Just the idea of giving birth makes me sick to the stomach, mostly because of the video we watched in high school. God bless these women. Next, St. Patrick’s Day. I am well aware I learned the story of St. Patrick in elementary school, but I couldn’t tell you what he did except tell a whole bunch of snakes to take a walk out of Ireland. St. Patty’s Day is just a day to get tanked at noon and celebrate your Irish heritage, even if that heritage is just the fact that one of your ancestors had eaten a potato during his or her life. God bless St. Patrick, irish potatoes, and shamrock shakes.
While everyone is getting rocked on a beach somewhere during spring break, I wither away on my couch, watching game after game after game. While the madness is yet to come, it’s conference tournament season, which gives us a reason to watch the Summit League championship game. The great Mike Daum, who is nicknamed “the absolute weapon” amongst his peers, led South Dakota State to a victory over Omaha in an absolute thriller. Look out for Mike in the NCAA tournament. God bless Mike Daum and the Jackrabbits.
The NCAA tournament is like all your dreams come true. Picture your wildest life goal or your craziest fantasies. Although keep them to yourself because I’m certain that your mom doesn’t want to hear about your fantasies. Unless you have that relationship with your mother, therefore you’re one sick dog and I’ll make sure to never meet you in my life. Nevertheless, close your eyes, picture your fantasies playing out. You might think that they’ll never play out like you dreamed them and you’re right, they never will, mostly because she’s not willing to do that. Good thing is that Frank Mason and Lonzo Ball can give you the same feeling. March Madness has the power to make the average person fall in love with basketball. Think of that guy, probably named Byron, at work or school who you know does his work, goes home, watches the news and is in bed by 10. Not anymore. Come Tuesday, March 14, this man will suddenly go from loser to that sick bastard that threw 200 bucks on his bracket and 25 bucks on the 1-16 matchup. Byron feels more alive than ever. Now you like Byron, you and Byron are pals. But come April, he returns to the same boring guy who raves about his chicken salad he eats everyday.
We all have a little Byron in us. It’s the buzzer beaters and the last possession ISO’s that are jam packed into a half a month or so that keeps us sane for 11 months. With the madness, we can think straight, allowing a calmer and more productive 11 months. Kind of like The Purge. We release all of our madness in a small amount of time, so we don’t stab people like the ancient Romans did. Without the madness, I’m positive mankind would be setback about a hundred years. Who know? Woodrow Wilson might have just gotten re-elected for his 2nd term and WWI might be inevitable. Just know that March Madness is the reason the United States isn’t involved in a World War. Dick Vitale says “you’re welcome”. God bless the Dick, Bryon, and Woodrow. But Mars bless March.
Strange, but the history wasn’t off the top of my head