The Oscars: NBA Edition

By: Mark Scarlett

The Oscars were last night and that got me thinking: What if I turned the Oscars into NBA awards? Who would win best leading actor? Supporting actor? Foreign Language Film? It’s time to find out.

Best Actor in a Leading Role

This award will go to the player that does the most with the least help. The best leading actor will be a player that carries his team and is essentially the reason that their team is where they are.

The nominations go to James Harden, Russell Westbrook, LeBron James, and Giannis Antetokounmpo (I wrote that without looking it up. Impressive, I know).

Harden and Westbrook have two teams that have no business being in the playoffs in the 3rd and 7th seed, respectively, in the Western Conference. They both drop triple doubles with ease and are in a two man race for MVP.

LeBron has help on the Cavaliers. However, the Cavaliers are 4-19 without LeBron, since his return to Cleveland. Everything runs through LeBron and he makes every single player around him much better every time he is on the floor.

The Greek Freak leads the Bucks in every significant statistical category: Points, Rebounds, Assists, Steals, and Blocks. That is absurd. He is the best defender, scorer, and passer in Milwaukee. He literally does it all for them.

The award here goes to… James Harden. The Beard has a bunch of role players at a point where they are competitive every single game. They can play with anybody in the NBA, and I believe we will see the Rockets in the Conference Finals in the West.

Best Actor in a Supporting Role

Best Supporting Actor will go to the best role player. This is a player that can’t be the best player on a team, but is a huge factor for their team. They impact winning in a big way, whether we know it or not.

The nominations here go to Draymond Green, Deandre Jordan, Eric Gordon, and Avery Bradley.

Draymond Green is the enforcer of the Warriors. We saw what happened when Draymond was suspended in last year’s Finals. The Warriors lost game 5 at home without Dray, and that led to a blown 3-1 lead that Twitter will never let the Bay Area forget. Draymond would be the 4th player I would take on the Warriors if I were starting a franchise, but he may be the most important player on this Warriors team.

Deandre Jordan is a house. A house that can fly. He is absolutely terrifying with his ability to rebound the basketball and catch a lob from Chris Paul that is heading for the 200 level. He can’t make a free throw to save his life, but he is a huge part of the Clippers’ success, especially when on the floor with CP3.

Eric Gordon is dropping 17 points off the bench for the Rockets, and is shooting 38% from beyond the arc. That is huge when your team runs through James Harden because your job is to make 3s. Harden will do the rest, but you just need to make 3s. And Eric is doing that off the bench, while making a great case for Sixth Man of the Year.

Avery Bradley is huge for the Celtics. He locks down the best perimeter scorer on every team. He is also shooting 41% from 3, and averaging 18 points per game. IT is the main attraction on the C’s, but a healthy Avery Bradley is a huge key to success in Boston come playoff time.

The Oscar here goes to… Draymond Green. Dray is maybe the most VALUABLE player on the Warriors, who are the favorite to win the Finals this year. That’s like Leonardo DiCaprio playing a supporting role in the Best Film of the year, it’s just a lock.

Best Foreign Language Film

This Oscar goes to the best foreign player. I’m not talking fake foreign like Andrew Wiggins and Kyrie Irving. I need this player to struggle to speak English. There has to be a language barrier that this player broke through.

The nominations here go to Dirk Nowitzki, Marc Gasol, Giannis Antetokounmpo, and Kristaps Porzingis.

Dirk is like the Tom Hanks of foreign basketball players. It’s out of respect that he’s on this list. He’s obviously not the player he once was, but you can’t think of foreign players without thinking about Dirk.

Marc Gasol’s accent may not be as strong as I want it to be, but English isn’t his first language so he makes the cut. Gasol has added a 3-point stroke into his already potent offensive arsenal, making him an absolute weapon.

The Greek Freak was already a nominee for Best Leading Actor because as I’ve said, he does everything for the Bucks. He is the leading actor, the supporting actor, and might as well be the director.

Kristaps’ accent is the strongest on the list, so he’s got an advantage already. I love KP’s game so much because his footwork off of the pick-and-pop is absolutely magical. I don’t know anything about Latvian films, but whatever the best Latvian film ever is, Kristaps is that.

And the Oscar for Best Foreign Language Film goes to… Giannis Antetokounmpo. The Greek Freak is an alien that stands at 7 feet tall and can run point guard for the Bucks. He does way too much for that team, and I refuse to let him go Oscar-less. It would be like Leo’s far-too-long drought. Its tough to not give the Oscar to a guy who’s putting up 23.6, 8.7, 5.4, 1.9, and 1.8. You can barely do that on 2K, let alone in real life.

Best Original Screenplay

The award of Best Writing will be given to the best announcer, in other words, the announcer that comes to mind when I ask myself a simple question: Who do I want calling the game that I am watching?

There is only one nomination here: Bill Walton. It has to be Bill Walton. Is Bill always giving you “good” information? Eh, not really. Is Bill always “intelligent” or “correct” with his basketball insight? Probably not. Do I care that Bill has only announced one NBA game this year? Hell no. Because Bill is the best. He’s a national treasure. I watch some Pac-12 games just for Bill’s amazing commentary. Bill has compared Jordan Bell of Oregon to Magic Johnson on numerous occasions. Bill has said, “Mountains and basketball, does it get any better than that?” No, Bill. It doesn’t get any better than that. Because for Bill, life is wonderful. Magical, even. And he makes damn sure that he is sharing his joy and positivity with everyone. Or he’s just high. Probably just high.

Best Live Action Short Film

The Best Short Film will be awarded to the best play of the season so far. This can be a dunk, crossover, game winner, anything really. It is really tough because there are so many amazing plays in the NBA every single night, so finding the top four and then picking one is nearly impossible.

That being said, the nominations go to Paul George’s dunk on Clint Capela, Larry Nance Jr.’s dunk on Brook Lopez, LeBron’s game tying three against the Wizards, and Steph’s absurd reverse layup against the Blazers.

Paul George baptized Clint Capela with a vicious dunk. Clint was playing help defense when Paul George rose up and absolutely destroyed Capela by throwing down all over him. George made Capela his bitch on this play with a freakishly powerful dunk reminiscent of the murder of Birdman.

Next up is Larry Nance Jr., whose dunk on Brook Lopez was seemingly the craziest thing Timofey Mozgov has ever seen. To justify Timofey’s reaction, it was an absurd dunk that probably could’ve been thrown down had the rim been placed atop the backboard. Regardless, the dunk led to Brook making a mess of his pants.

LeBron gets another NBA Oscar nomination with his absurd shot against the Wizards to force OT. LeBron caught an absolutely perfect pass from Kevin Love, took one dribble to the 3-point line then fired off a shot, over Bradley Beal, that banked in. Long live the King.

The last nomination goes to Steph Curry for his unreal finish that even made him look at his hands in disbelief. The most impressive part about this may be that Steph doesn’t have the giant claws that Giannis or Kawhi have. He’s just your average guy that made a move that amazed and aroused any NBA fan, even those that hate on Steph.

And the NBA Oscar for Best Short Film goes to… Larry Nance Jr. with his utter destruction of Brook Lopez’s manhood. Everything about this dunk is just disrespectful to Brook. The dunk itself, the reaction by Timofey, the look that Nance had as if to say, “Well, I didn’t think that was going to happen.” All of it. It’s just a complete emasculation of poor Brook. That’s probably why his trade value took a hit at the deadline. It’s all Larry’s fault.

So that wraps up the NBA Oscars of the 2016-2017 season so far. I’m sure it’s an honor for James, Draymond, Giannis, Bill, and Larry to receive such high praise from me. It was truly my pleasure. And Bill, keep doing you because people like me can never get enough of it.

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