Mastering Life in a Unique Way: How to Conquer NBA Jam

By: Dan Meehan

The 2010 Miami Heat used to be impossible to beat, but finally there is a way. Finally there is hope for mankind against the evil machines. Read this article for a step-by-step guide.

I consider myself an average guy. So I’ve been known to slap one of my pal’s butts one too many times during a pickup game, so what? If you are a guy that’s 18 or older, there are some things that you have without a doubt experienced in your lifetime. Activities such as planting and tending to a garden in your backyard or even making several homemade fruit smoothies with your buddies. Well if you haven’t done those, then first of all, you’re definitely not an average guy. Although there is one thing almost all men have done…attempt to beat the Miami Heat on “insane” difficulty in the 2010 version of NBA Jam.

As a man that has tried and failed to accomplish this feat almost a thousand times, I can assure you that times will get tough. You might think, “This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life, it’s impossible”. Your morale will be low, the days may not seem as bright as they used to be, people may stop smiling when you pass them by. Just when you believe that things can get no worse, Dwyane Wade might go ahead and hit a full court heave as time expires to win the game by one. I have experienced it all when it comes to the great NBA Jam, and I can say is that it has made me a better man. Beating the Heat was one of the best days of my life. Fortunately I’m going to tell you how to douse their flames with some cold, refreshing, water.

First you need to pick your team. When I was just an uneducated boy, I was picking a team based strictly off talent and their effectiveness in the league. Therefore, I didn’t think there’d be a better one two punch to combat Lebron and D-Wade than Russ and KD. I was a fool. My friends and I probably lost around 30 straight games before we even considered a change in team. There are 3 must haves if you ever want to dream about beating Miami:

1) Rim Protection – By far the most important. Your center needs AT LEAST 15 blocks to win, ideally you’d like to be in the 20-25 range. Without a monster in the middle, you’ll be having a face full of Lebron’s groin all game. Although it might sound enticing now, I promise you it will ruin your day.

2) 3 Point Shooting – An ABSOLUTE WEAPON when a shooter finds his hot spot. This really opens up the half court offense. Now you can work the “shove and roll” all day. The “shove and roll” is exactly what it sounds like, the shooter is out on the perimeter with the ball and waits for a teammate to deliver rib cracking shove to the on-ball defender. Thus, opening up an open three or an alley oop. (Warning: a missed shove can be devastating to the offense, so do it quickly and effectively)

3) High Dunk Rating – Ideally a high dunk rating comes with the rim protecting center, if not, you could be in trouble. Though, a huge aspect of your shooter’s ability to throw down is size. He NEEDS to be at least 6’6, otherwise lebron is going to meet you at the rim, grab a sandwich, and then make you have to buy a brand new pair of slacks after he stuffs you. I don’t care if Steve Nash is almost automatic from beyond the arc, if he can’t finish at the rim, he’s as good your Aunt Donna after her 3rd hip surgery. (While I’m sure your Aunt Donna had a great basketball prime, she’s old and withered, and her three surgeries has left her on the verge of handicapped.)

Please don’t be a buffoon, don’t play with the Sixers because you think it would be “fun”. If you are having fun, then you’re not playing the game right. So the team to beat the Miami Heat is the Orlando Magic.

Regardless of what he’s become, because of NBA Jam, Dwight Howard will always be a great man. If you play the classic campaign, there will be games where he’ll get 30 blocks, 30 points, and 20 shoves. You may be tempted to use Yao Ming, but his underwhelming speed of 1, is an absolute liability.

You may see Vince Carter as an option as well, DO NOT BE BLINDED BY HIS LOOKS, Rashard Lewis is the answer to your problems. The man can shoot, dunk, and even block some of the smaller guys. Don’t worry about ball handling, Dwight Howard has made Lebron look like some diced up celery after the moves he has put on.

After you win, resist the urge to hug your playing partner for more than 10 minutes. Believe me, we can’t look at each other the same anymore. Then, you realize you have spent hours that have accumulated into days of your life into beating a game. A 2 on 2 game. A game that features men with enormous heads. Heads that just don’t exist in nature. If you continue to fail at winning, then it’s not really up to me anymore. You’re bad and maybe you should get to other hobbies, such as tending to gardens in your backyard?

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